Thursday, November 4, 2010

Oh Where, Oh Where Did I Go? Part 2

Let me just start off by saying this may be a difficult post for me to write.  And honestly, I'm not sure why I am writing it.  Maybe I just need to do it for myself.  Here goes....

In my last post (I know it is been awhile), I answered the question, "Where did I go?" quite literally.  I was in Arkansas and now I am in South Dakota.  Now I find myself trying to answer that same question on a more personal level.  I read my words from a few weeks ago and wonder where the author is - who the author is.  Who wrote happy thoughts about God's provision?  About blooming?  Who is she and where did she go?

I'm lost.  Withering instead of blooming.  Doubting instead of trusting.  I don't want to go into details.  Again, I am not even sure why I am sharing any of this.  On the outside things may look and seem okay, but inside I am filled with fear, anxiety....depression.  There, I said it.  I've had "down" days (even weeks) before, but this..... this feels different. 

I know what your comments are going to be.  Moving is stressful.  Things will get better.  You need to get help.  I know.  I know. And I know. 

Do I feel better after telling you all that?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I feel better in that when one of you asks me how I am doing and I say "fine" you will know it is likely not the truth.  But you won't question me.  You will just pray for me until I can answer that question honestly.  Until I can find myself again.


Okay, so I can't just leave you with all of that.  I have to share a picture.  A picture that really does make me smile.

{There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
....A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer....  Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4}


Flat Creek Farm said...

Thinking of you, praying for you. I know that you know, but going to say it anyway.. :) Things will get better. What a sweet picture. Made me smile too! And the verse? Perfect. -Tammy

Jill said...

I am lighting a candle for you right now. I am praying for you right now. There's a light burning in Nebraska to signify the light of Christ. He's there.

heidi said...

Dearest Vanessa,
Where are you? Perhaps you are being carried right now in Jesus's arms, like that poem, "Footprints in the Sand"? Let Him carry you until you are ready to walk it again. He loves you.

On Monday in our Ladies Bible study we talked about humility and pride. Somehow this got us to talking about depression, as several in the group struggle with that.

My Bible study leader suggested that EACH and EVERY day look up ONE verse on JOY in the Bible. Just one. Write it out.

Second, each and every day PLAN to do something for SOMEONE else.

blessings, you are special.

Kelly G. said...

You don't know me, and I don't remember where I found your blog, but I have read for a while. I just wanted to leave a comment saying that I have been there. I don't pretend to understand the whys of the ugliness of depression, but I have been there. I want to share a blog with you that has become a place of sanctuary for me and a healing balm. Spend some time lingering there and let her sweet, God led words bring some healing to your heart as well. She has a couple of amazing posts on depression that are worth searching out and reading/rereading... Hope it brings some Hope...

fourkidsmom said...

Vanessa,I wish I was there with you to hold you and comfort you but Jesus is there. As Heidi said let Him carry you right now. REST in his arms, let Him shelter you. Don't feel bad for posting this. This is the place where we can hold each other up but we can't do that unless we let someone know. You rest, we'll hold you up to Him.

Anonymous said...

First of all I would like to thank you for your comment on my blog. If I had a prize to give away, you would win for being the first ever to comment on my blog. So thanks.
Secondly, I fully understand what you are feeling. After our move I went through all of it. The ups and mostly downs. It has been 5 years of wondering and questioning God. And what I've learned is that His grace is sufficient. I know you've heard that before but literally I have learned more about God's grace in the last year than I have in all of my 45 years of being a Christian. I have also learned that He is big enough to take it. Yell at Him, scream at Him, get it all out, like I said He can take it and when you're done He'll be right there to hold you while you cry. And then he'll be there to wipe away those tears when you're done. I can't tell you that in doing so it will be all better in a matter of seconds, days or even weeks. But just don't forget He is there with you. I think that I had forgotten that and had to go through some very very bad days because of it. So I'm just saying don't forget. Don't ever forget.
If I was near enough to you we'd get together and have a pity party. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't have one because we all need one once in awhile. ;>
Ok enough from me rambling on. I'll be praying for you.

Sue said...

I've followed your blog for a while. I know what you're saying, as I'm going through a struggle myself. My 17 year old daughter is facing a liver transplant. I've had many days of depression, but also know that my God promised to never leave me or forsake me. Saying a prayer for you.


Miss G said...

Vanessa, I am so sorry that you're in a yucky time. I truly am.

That photo *is* precious! love it! Kelly